How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
