woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
