it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
