ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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