He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
