The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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