Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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