So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He better not be in your backpack
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
