Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
