so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
