So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
