A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
