one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
