Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
