GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
