I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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