dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
