I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
