She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
