so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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