What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
