got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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