I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
