Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
