Tell her she can't have a vagina
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
