I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
