Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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