Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
