when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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