Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
