he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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