Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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