I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
