get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
