I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
