im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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