I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
