He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
