You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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