Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
