Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
