i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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