we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
