just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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