im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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