i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
