he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
