I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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