She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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