I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm passing your future prison.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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